December 30, 2008: From Russia With Love, Igor Panarin, an ETF Portfolio

Predictably, a deep recession is time for the socialists, far left and other similar inspired zealots to gloat about the demise of capitalism in general and the United States in particular.

Recently, one such intellectual, from the country that brought you Ivan the Terrible, ten years of a Ukraine forced famine, the Gulag of thirty million deaths, endless five year plans, Stalin and his short-lived association with Hitler, a gazillion piano player/ice skaters/gymnasts, earned doctorates in Karl Marks "science"(sic), huge military parades, shortages of every commodity except propaganda - poorly constructed- and an oligarchy second to none in corruption, has received prominence from State-controlled Russian Federation broadcast networks and certain conferences of common intellectuals outside the dirty and pollution-filled confines of the old Soviet Union: Professor Igor Panarin.

Mr. KGB-trained Panarin, with a degree from a Soviet University that is roughly equivalent to an on-line degree mill here in the States, speaks with finesse and a sense of purpose that could only come from someone on the best of terms with a Soviet.

Russian's are fond of lenghty prose and lecture. To the untrained mind, size matters. Substance is quite another hurdle to conquer. Professor Panarin uses this ethnic intellectual shortcoming to predict the demise of the United States. After a civil war, which will take place in 2010, the United States implodes. Mass immigration, economic decline and moral degradation will bring about the collapse of the dollar and initiate the conflict. Afterwards, Panarin predicts that the country will be divided into four regions: The Texas Republic (under Mexican influence), Atlantic America (perhaps joining the European Union), The Central North-American Republic (under Canadian influence) and the California Republic (under Chinese influence). Russia will exert influence over Alaska and Hawaii will revert to China or Japanese influence.

Taking the learned Professor's crafted map, I submit the following ETF portfolio to profit from the breakup of the United States of America:

EWW: IShares MSCI Investable Mexico Index Fund: A buy. Adding the southern US will finally give Mexico what it needs most, an educated and motivated labor force with the spirit to compete without oppressive taxation, unionization and drug cartel death squads.

FXI: IShares MSCI Xinhua China 25 Index Fund: Short China. Desert, deficits, environmental roadblocks at every turn and a declining work ethic. Go long if China sells California to Mexico - then short Mexico.

EWC: IShares MSCI Canada Index Fund: The big winner. Loads of land, natural resources and industry. Double up if somehow they can persuade Illinois, Indiana,and Michigan to join Atlantic America.

IFEU: IShares FTSE European Index Fund: Short everything in the Eurozone. Inheriting the mess of the liberal northeast and the New Yorkers will turn the Euro into the 1920s Deutsch Mark. If the European Union offers to grant the Carolinas, Kentucky, West Virginia and Tennessee tax favored status because their culture is not as sophisticated as European, you may add a bit of the ETF to your portfolio.

TMREX: Third Millenium Russia Fund: Buy it. The only things Russia can produce effectively without shoddy workmanship are natural resources, assuming they continue to avoid any notion of environmental compliance. Alaska is ripe for exploitation since the former United States left fuel and mineral resources untapped and the land full of polar bear and moose - excellent for the Russian fur and shoe industries.

EWJ:IShares MSCI Japan. Hold. They already own Hawaii.

It is comforting that a KGB brainchild such as Igor Panarin is out and about showcasing Russia's best and brightest minds for all to see.

If this is the best the Russkies can muster, we have absolutely nothing to worry about from their perpetual third world status,the poor quality of life Russia's masses have grown to accept as normal and conspiracy tendencies so amazingly apparent to everyone except individuals such as the learned Professor Panarin.

THE AUTHOR HOLDS NO POSITIONS IN THE ABOVE, BUT DOES MAINTAIN A HOLDING IN LAUGHTER.